Busyness

I've always enjoyed being busy. I like to take on projects that make me feel needed and useful. Too often though, the busyness becomes overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning. My friend Rachel from church lent me a book called Running on Empty: Contemplative Spirituality for Overachievers.  I Only 5 pages in and already I felt convicted; knowing that I need to let go of some things in order to have a more fulfilling relationship with the Lord. I need to learn to be still as Psalm 46:1 says- Be still and know that I am God."

Here are some quotes form the book that have helped me to put things in perspective...

P. 5- "I had perfected busyness but failed miserably at stillness"
P. 20- "the noise, busyness and hurry deliver nothing but a heart that's hard of hearing and a life of anxious longing, and weary disappointment."
P. 47- "with my mind, I can reason that God's love is true. But in day to day life, experiencing that God's love for the single thing that establishes, governs and maintains my personal worth is my greatest struggle...I must recognize that being 'the apple of God's eye' is not merely a nice idea, a worthy goal, or an inspirational thought. It's the one and only name by which God recognizes me and intends to relate to me. This kind of truth must make it's way into my heart if I'm to live in any meaningful and lasting degree of freedom."
P. 87- "Discipline means being intentional about preventing everything in my life from being filled up. The diligent watchfulness guards my soul from intrusions that crowd out God."
P. 96- "It's essential that I understand the health of my relationship with God is ultimately God's responsibility. My responsibility is providing space for solitute and silence so that God may attend to the needs of my soul. I'm just the innkeeper making room for the Guest."
P. 176- " Only when I'm listening to God's voice, and not my own, am I set free from having to prove to the world (or to myself) that I am worth loving, because God has already, repeatedly, affirmed his love for me."

Lord, help me to subtract all of the things out of my life that distract me from you. I want to serve you with my whole heart. Amen

Let it Be

I'm always surprised at the way God speaks to me, especially when I'm not actively seeking him in prayer or when I don't even really seem to be listening. On Tuesday night, I was driving home from Stephen Ministry training class about 9:30. I was listening to Delilah on 99.1 as I always do- Thankfully she's here in TX too! I wasn't really paying attention to anything that was playing; instead I was thinking about a friend that I'm very concerned about. I was worrying and fretting and wondering what I could do to help or to make him understand how much he is valued. Out of nowhere, I turned my attention back to the radio, only to hear the song "Let it Be" by the Beatles. I was particularly struck by the chorus, "let it be, there will be an answer, let it be." With those 11 simple words, God reminded me that I am not in control of the situation, but He is and that it will be resolved according to His will. I immediately felt comforted. All this week, in addition to prayer when I feel anxious, I have been reminding myself to "let it be" and it has helped me tremendously. I pray that I may always be reminded of this simple truth.

Dropping the Ball

This phrase has always had a negative connotation to me. It says that I haven't lived up to my responsibilities, that I've let someone down, or done something I shouldn't have. Generally it is something that I try to avoid.

Three weeks ago at Bible Study, Beth Moore put the phrase into a new context, one that I am trying to embrace for the rest of my life, starting with the next nine weeks of Bible Study. 

She told the story of her dog, a border collie, who is obsessed with her ball. She loves her ball so much that she drops the ball in her food dish and eats around it, she puts it in her water dish and drinks around it because she cannot bear to be parted from it. One day, she was chasing a bird or a squirrel or some other woodland creature and she cannot catch it because she won't put put down the ball, not to mention that holding on to it makes breathing a slow and awkward process.
   Beth then challenged us to "drop the ball", to lay down our obsessions and all the things that we are holding on to which prevent us from reaching our goal- being in a close relationship with Jesus. She then went on to say that Jesus already broke our chains when he died on the cross- the chains are not holding us, but rather for whatever reason, we are holding onto our chains instead of clinging to the cross. I have been sharing this story with practically everyone because it has resonated so deeply with me.
For me, dropping the ball means letting go of my obsession with getting married and being in a relationship. It means being genuinely happy for friends and family members who are engaged or married or are otherwise in happy and fulfilling relationships, even when I am not. It entails a daily choice of focusing on the blessings God has given me, instead of the ones he hasn't. It means trusting that God will work for His good in my life and believing that He will grant the desires of my heart if I seek Him first. Dropping my ball means not watching romantic comedies or listening to love songs obsessively, since they only serve as constant reminders of what I don't have and they make me sad. It means reading my Bible more and praying more- being in constant communication with God, regardless of my circumstance. It means letting go of my plans and my hopes and dreams.

Dropping the ball is a constant and daily struggle. I find little thoughts creeping in and I have to literally talk out loud to myself and scold myself in order to stop the jealous thoughts. I have to turn off the radio, or skip songs on my ipod. It is a conscious choice, something I must be acutely aware of at all times. Thus far, I have been far from perfect. I find myself dropping the ball for a short time, only to pick it back up again a while later. It is asking God for forgiveness and starting over again. One benefit is that it has drawn me closer to God- I am spending more time communicating with him (mostly asking for his constant help). I know I am growing and that good will come out of it, but it is soooooo hard!

 Your turn- What ball do you need to drop?

Benedictions

Growing up Lutheran, I have been hearing the benediction at the end of the church service for nearly thirty years. It always means that church is over. You sing the last hymn and you are on your way out into the world to do whatever you need to accomplish. In the last few weeks, benedictions have taken on a whole new significance to me. One Sunday a few weeks ago, I was sitting in church and listening to the familiar words that I've heard all my life:
"The Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." ~Numbers 6:24-26
and it was as if I was hearing those words for the first time. They truly penetrated my heart in a way that they never have before. I knew that God was speaking directly to me. A benediction is meant to be a blessing as you depart from somewhere, but as I just read in this week's pre-class reading for Stephen Ministry, a benediction also proclaims that God has you in his care and is responsible for your well being. A benediction says that God is in charge. If you look at the benediction above, it is clear that God is in charge- you are the receiver of God's blessings, there is nothing you do except receive the things which he intends for you.

The more I think about benedictions, the more I think about how they are not just for the end of the church service... if I ever get married, I would like a benediction or two spoken at my wedding. They are words of  comfort and blessing and more meaningful than any other toast I could think of... they are reminders of the great blessings God has already given, as well as a promise for future enrichment. Generally, they come directly from God's word (the Bible), so you can't go wrong there! To my friends and family who are getting married in the next few months- you can definitely expect a benediction written out in your cards from me.
To all of you reading this blog, here is my benediction for you (from 2 Corinthians13:14):
      ~The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God and the fellowship of the Holsy Spirit be with you all.~

Shalom

In both Stephen Ministry class and the Beth Moore Bible study that I'm attending on Revelation, we've been talking about the Hebrew word "shalom" which means peace be with you. For so long, I always thought that peace meant the absence of worry, uncertainity or fear, but as I've been studying more about the word, I've learned it is those things, but it also encompasses much more. When you say Shalom to someone, you are wishing them completeness and wholeness, not just a temporary relief from worry. What an incredibly powerful prayer for someone. Of course, that completeness/wholeness comes only when we accept Jesus and his healing grace because he is the giver of that peace that passes understanding. There is nothing we can do to achieve that peace on our own.

so to each of you reading this blog-Shalom.

Where does the time go?

So I just looked at the date of my last blog post and realized that more than two months have gone by since I last wrote! I wish I could say I was incredibly busy with exciting vacations or volunteering at an orphanage in Africa, but really it's just been a lot of keeping up with puppy antics (I wish I had a tenth of his energy), surviving the TX heat, getting prepared for back to school and technology support for the reading specialists. Not very exciting things I know. But you know what? more of life is comprised of the small moments than the big ones. My good friend Sarah from Muhlenberg has a blog that I read on a regular basis called the Glory of the Grind. In this blog, she captures a lot of the small moments in her life and in the life of her kids. Another friend, Katie, has a blog that she started to document her pregnancy with her son Santi and has continued even now that she has baby Gabe! Her post the other day was about taking the boys to story time at the library. I love that these girls are so vigilant about documenting daily life. We only have one life to live and if we are constantly waiting for the next big moment, we miss all the small moments that make life worth living.     As I've been diligently following their blogs, I think some of their attitude has rubbed off on me. I'm definitely much more aware of the little things that seem so inconsequential but mean so much, like when Riley sleeps through the night all curled up with his head resting on my knee, or the cool breeze that allowed us to go for a long walk/run today.

Friend?

For a long time, I have been thinking about the word friend and it's various connotations and implications. How is it that some friendships seem to bloom and continue to bloom with very little effort and others don't flower at all, despite the massive amount of work put into them? What does it mean to be a friend?
Psychologists say that a certain amount of friendship is determined by proximity, but my long distance friendships are strangely some of my easiest friendships to manage. Being so far away, I only get to see some of my Muhlenberg girls once or twice a year for a couple of hours; (sure we email or call sometimes and of course there is facebook and a blog or two to help keep us connected) you would think that those encounters would be awkward, but in fact just the opposite is true. We all somehow pick up right where we left off and it's like we have never been apart. No matter how long or short our time, we are able to laugh and talk about the major stuff happening in our lives. Maybe the limited time helps us to get down to the essentials so much more quickly instead of staying on the surface. The same is true for my Milford/Matamoras/Penn State friends- now that I'm in TX, the only time I get to see them once a year on our annual rafting trip. These friends mean so much to me that I schedule my summer visit to the East Coast around our rafting adventures! Sure, the group has changed as various members have gotten married or had kids or whatever, but our core is still there and it is wonderfully effortless and joyful to be with these people!
Perhaps long-distance friendships are in some ways easier, because you aren't around each other all the time; you aren't exposed to the daily contact that can sometimes cause hurt feelings, friction and tension among friends.
Despite my incredibly social nature, I will admit that sometimes it is very difficult for me to be a good friend. Being a type-A perfectionist, it is very easy for me to stress about all the things I need to get done and to put my to-do list ahead of my friends. To help combat this, I have started adding friends to my list and I put appointments with reminders in the calendar on my phone so that I remember to call them or email them or to meet with them face to face. If I have ever hurt you because I have not made time for you- I am sincerely sorry. It was not intentional. Please let me know so that I may apologize in person and we can move past things and become friends again.